Knock knock. You’re not coming in

Ever get those horrible reoccurring dreams that don’t quite make sense?

I get them all the time

This was the dream, but it was actually happening

🌿✨💞✨🌿

knock knock

I could see the silhouette of a man in uniform.

niceties (I was not listening - this is my dream)

Can I come in?

No (exactly like every dream)

Attempts to justify the need to come in (again I didn’t hear what he was saying)

Someone has died, haven’t they?

Yes (again attempts to encourage me to let him in the house ignored - I don’t change my mind. That’s a lie, I do - but only when I want to)

My dad or my sister. My dad is dead isn’t he?

I’m really sorry to tell you this but he was found dead this morning by your dad’s (looks at pad) exgirlfriend X)

🌿✨💞✨🌿

I remember feeling like cold air was really slowly infusing with my body, running through from the top of my head all the way down infusing every cell with cool, peace, calm and frozen.

Everything had stopped. I could hear electricity, but that’s it, nothing else.

Electricity is really quite loud when you hear it.

I was frozen for a time. No clue.

Then my body rebooted.

Time unpaused.

Feeling in my legs left much quicker than the cool air had gone in, both legs went, like those wooden donkey toys you get where you press the button and they collapse.

As I was falling to the floor I realised my husband was holding me. I felt warmth.

The noise came back, loud, too much and all at once. People were saying words at me. Words I know, but could not understand. I didn’t understand anything.

My World was not slow. Everything else had speeded up.

Everything was on distorted time and volume.

I was just watching. Watching everyone and experiencing me, me responding and answering questions perfectly.

Yaye, proud of auto-ME. I did good.

Thank you brain for all those millions traumatic thoughts and scenarios you had me play out and respond to.

This situation was nothing compared to those!!!

Do you have any idea who you are dealing with?

🌿✨💞✨🌿

My boobs are party boobs

I had a double mastectomy in 2017. After mum was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, she had the option (seriously!!) of finding out if she carried the deadly BRCA gene that would mean she had a 50% chance of passing it on to her children.

Without knowing that we were carriers we would have a concerningly high risk on developing a bunch of cancers.

But luckily my mum did opt to find out, even though she was told it was not likely based on her family history.

Lots and early cancer deaths, but not the common BRCA ones.

Ovarian Cancer is known as the silent killer. The cancer had probably spread before it was treatable or even discovered.

https://news.cancerresearchuk.org/2008/11/21/ovarian-cancer-spotting-the-silent-killer/

When finding out she was BRCA 2, I went to get tested. Positive.

BRCA 2 mutation means much higher risk of getting breast, ovarian, pancreatic and prostrate cancers. Plus a load more.

https://www.google.com/search?q=brca+2+gene+mutation&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

They told me not worry if I’ve passed it on to my baby daughter, hopefully by then she could take a pill and all be ok. A lovely hope. I wish for that to be true.

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Not for me though. I was advised that I would need both breasts removed as soon as I’d finished having children, and a hysterectomy when I was 35-40 years old.

These two operations would result in my risk being lower that the general population.

Okies.

I had a double mastectomy in January 2017, three years after my mum had died.

They first inserted the implants six months earlier, to give my body time to bond with the new boobs. I called that super boob summer. My normal summer dresses were ‘not very family friendly’ my lovely friend joked.

My pre appointment resulted in the person getting cross and said that I wasn’t taking the situation as serious as it was, and I was too blasé. I informed her that I had watched my beautiful mum being destroyed by cancer constantly fighting to survive just one more day. If I was being given an opportunity for a better chance then of course it’s a yes. She gave me a reassuring smile and signed the form.

My mum had been given three months to live, just before my wedding, and survived just shy of five years.

My mum was the most incredibly positive, brilliantly funny, super smart ray of sunshine who was just a joy to be around. She was, and always will be, my strength and inspiration. 🌿✨💞✨🌿

Surgery date was nearing so I decided to have a ‘bye bye boobie’ tapas meal with a group of lovely friends. The following day I was sent a video of my lovely friend’s daughter - her teddy was also having a bye bye boobie party. 🥳 🥰

Surgery went well and apart from walking down the corridor with my drip - unknowingly with my hospital gown tucked into my knickers. Luckily I was saved by my kind neighbour who coincidentally worked on the ward. 💞

Apart the most ‘beautiful’ bruises you could ever imagine (every shade of black-purple-blue) surgery went well.

A few weeks later and it was a good friends wedding in Ireland.

That’s when I discovered my awesome party trick.

If you shine a torch on to an implant boob. It lights up.

Not just a little bit- more like ‘you would actually stop traffic’ bright.

After finding a dark cupboard and torch, I had lots of people, including the groom’s mother and family, popping to see the magnificent glow!

Is this boob trick common knowledge?

Please let me know if you have implants, and if you have ever tried it!

Shine a torch to the side of your implant and take a photo.

It’s insane.

Shine brightly beautiful people

🌿✨💞✨🌿

Life is good

It is grotty and horrible outside, and I can’t fit in to any of my clothes - but life is great.

Two packages arrived from the postman;

1) 20g of WPT - Wedding Pop Triangle strain - Medical Cannabis “Flower” previously known as Weed

it has incredibly good reviews (I check on reddit and medbud) 24% THC and has tiny colours in the flower.

Lovely stuff.

Wedding Pop Triangle Strain - Medical Flower

2) my scrapey filler) - the fun of filling up 40 dosing capsules every week is becoming tedious - although quite like the whole ‘you’re an adult, with a professional career, weighing 'flower’ in your pyjamas using drug dealer scales

What a treat, 8 capsules done in the same time as 1.

Review 9/10 - it is very very good!!

And surrounded by positively lovely things, Mighty+, Glug glug jug and my new gift to myself my seven chakra crystal tree of life

My Almond Tree

My mum (Nangie) died in February 2014, whilst ‘What a wonderful World’ by Louis Armstrong, was playing softly in the background - this had been mum’s request that she had made days before.

In August I had my baby girl, mum had seen her baby photo in the hospice - baby A was waving!

I know there are many things I need to piece together from not being able to make ‘The year of my birth’ photo book like I did for her older siblings. Actually I still haven’t. I will.

The first Mother’s Day.

I felt a very strong injustice that just because my mum had died, she was then left out.

So I decided I would, every year, buy my mum a gift for Mother’s Day.

First gift was a beautiful almond tree. I thought I was clever asking one of the staff to carry it to the till for me. Perfect.

“Would you like me to carry it to your car now?” Crap.

Luckily, after manoeuvring the interior of my car it fitted in. Just.

Every time I am in my garden and see this beautiful tree, it makes me smile and think of mum. My whole garden is now pretty full of gifts I have bought for my mum and dad. Plants, trees, benches, chickens…but unfortunately not a kitchen aid. My husband insisted that my mum had spoken to him and said no to the ‘mineral water’ kitchen aid. https://amzn.to/4mDRvry

Clinics that prescribe Medical Cannabis UK

As far as I am aware, from hearing others experience, trying to get a medical cannabis prescription from your GP is not usually successful.

There are a growing number of private clinics who are offering reasonable (as in not a horrendous cost - for ethical arguments please click here) priced plans.

My personal experience is with Curaleaf. I did try another one a year ago but was rejected before having a consultation. Either I clicked on the wrong answer, which is highly possible, or they told me a reason and I forgot.

I have MS and in some awesome groups, many of whom have a medical cannabis prescription. I will ask them for a brief explanation for the ones they have experience with.

I will put links to the main ones, if anyone has any experience with other legal clinics and would like to write a mini review, please ‘contact’ me and I will share. No dealers dets please. I know nothing.

Curaleaf

• Process quick and relatively simple.

• The initially consulation was only a week after clicking on the ‘NHS - Continue to NHS login’ button’ - this actually made me feel SOOOO much better knowing it was all going through the correct channels.

• 21st September 2025 they say

  ‘At Curaleaf Clinic we specialise in high-quality medical cannabis care. Our experts are here to help you feel confident and empowered in managing your condition.

  Check your eligibility for a consultation by creating an account below.

  Patients must be 18+ years of age to use this service.’

• I chose to subscribe £5 a month including consultations and meetings in the year. I initially eagerly opted to pay £50 for a consultation, so then subscribed and panic emailed ensuring they did not charge me twice. They did not. Thank you Curaleaf, appreciated.

• Customer service so far has been brilliant, replied to my many most probably unnecessary concerned emails quickly in a friendly and informative manner

• It does actually make me feel like a ‘private’ patient - the ‘what feels personal’ Dr follows up one of my many ‘completely unnecessary but important’ questions personally with a lovely clear and friendly email

Consultation

• 20 minute online zoom call

• Friendly laid back, but professional looking/behaving Dr

• Asked me about my medical history and stuff

• I told the Dr I needed medicine that did the following

  -not give me sag face or sunken eyes

  -not made me want to binge eat (I understand this as not having humulene in the strain, but I honestly have not got a clue)

  -made me productive

  -helped ease stress

  -helped ease anxiety

  -helped me be happy

  - ‘Sativa’ day time (I think Sun = Sativa) strain that made me alert so I can work (oil)

  - ’Indica’ night time (in di ca(r), we’re in the car going home to bed) flower

• I need to be able to medicate discreetly at work

• Using my device (Mighty +) in the evenings is different and I like it

Other clinics;

Alternaleaf

Releaf

More clinics and reviews (link to website that I have zero input) or collection of clinics - click here

I am full of tears, but have no energy to cry

No real reason. Nothing has happened, but I am full of sadness, emptiness and doom.

I would love to have a good cry and release this really horrible empty heaviness, but it is not moving. It is just staying there all gloomy and ruining my lovely Botoxed face.

I feel exhasperated.

A colleague who told another colleague they could come back to school with Covid (I am vulnerable) and announced to the department that is is fine nowadays, and even their GP sister can go to work with it.

Not sure it has bothered me because it is blatant lie and wasting my energy googling it…

AI Overview

No, UK General Practitioners (GPs) with COVID-19 symptoms should stay at home and not go to work, as advised by professional guidance. If they are well enough, they should work from home, and if they become unwell at work, they must go home immediately. 

I LOVE AI, they are my personal guide in life.

…or because I feel they were intentionally trying to be unkind. Which makes me sad. Why do people do that? Doesn’t that make you feel crappy afterwards? I remember people I was horrible to as a child and think about it A LOT. It eats away at me.

Being nice is a much calmer and more peaceful life.

FYI I am not always nice, I am often stroppy and grumpy (mainly to my lovely husband)

Remove my name

I do not need replies. I am firing out questions. Questions that have made me think, that I asked to MYSELF. This is me brain dumping. Please message if anything is offensive/negative/upsetting for anyone.

Does ADHD actually explain what ‘it’ is? Does the name ‘ADHD’ represent ‘it’ accurately?

Are there lots of reports about what causes ADHD?

Do they all agree?

Is there a medical definition for ADHD? Or many definitions?

Do ‘stereotypical’ traits on ADHD, label the person as ‘high risk’?

Would someone labelled ‘high risk’ come across difficulties in life?

Could ‘stereotypical’ traits have a negative impact on that person being judged?

Do you want a label and to be judged?

Do you have a Deficit of Attention?

Is ‘hyper’ measureable?

What is more positive? Being ‘hyper’ or being the opposite of hyper?

Do you actually need someone (or many many people) to tell you what is happening in your own head/body? Do they even actually know? What if there are lots of assumptions that both parties are making, we think they know, they have no clue that they do not know?

Do you need people to make assumptions about you? Or attempt to take away your autonomy?

Is it too early to be sticking permanent labels on people?

Please REMOVE MY NAME from the waiting list, I do not want a diagnosis. EVER

A little bit about me

• love life, nature and medical cannabis

• expert ‘silver lining’ hunter

• love music, but struggle to name songs/artists

• 42 years old

• usually right, unless I am wrong

• I find it difficult to take ‘stupid rules’ seriously

  -definition of ‘stupid rule’ - a rule that makes no logical sense, and that no one can explain apart from ‘it is just the way it’s always been’

• love people, I love knowing EVERYTHING about them, especially their ‘Family/Christmas traditions/quirks’

• love food, really tasty food - would prefer 3 starters than a main and dessert

• love experiences

• love staying at home with no bra on

• love going out, then coming home

• Love going out with people, or having people come round

• but also absolutely thrilled when someone cancels - yippee, bra off

• I invent things most nights. Then my darling husband finds a website showing someone stole my idea five years ago.

• I do not negotiate, but I am also very good at it when I do

• I do not cheat on games, but likewise, with certain friends - I am really good at it

• Also fickle as fuck,

  -if there is room for a giggle, without upsetting anyone

  -something enlightens me, or

  -if I have a brilliant idea

  but until then NOT BUDGING

• spiritual

• Nicknamed Duracell Bunny at Uni, named Terrier on the Girl’s Football team, I played twice and got sent off twice, once for kicking people. I had only really ever played football with my older brother. We did kicking

• Have to have certain things in a certain way

• Am a Queen of Chaos

• Forget keys/phone/bag at least ten times a day

• Never remember birthday cards

• When a spark is lit, my Chaos becomes Ordered Chaos - there is no limit here, but it will be good, really good.

• Lots of amazing, I always thought random, obsessions. Turns out they are not all completely random, years later and I it makes sense

• Lots of beautiful books that feel nice to hold, touch. I do not like ‘dirty’ books (this is generally a book someone else has touched - I alcohol gel my hands a lot if reading a ‘dirty book’

• Lots of notebooks, all with an amazing project in, usually using 3 pages. Literally a LOT of notebooks

• Do NOT touch my food

• I have LOTS of brilliant ideas

• I am thoroughly enjoying my calm, peaceful and undramatic pace of life right now. Life is good.

Magic Menopause

Menopause so far;

• HRT doing really well, forgotten to take a male pill (Progesterone) a couple of times, but as I have to take it on before bed on an empty stomach, my eating habits have hugely improved with a 9pm curfew. Snacks are sad and are left uneaten, until breakfast. Girl Gel is put on after the morning shower, or 3pm shower on a self care day - which is something I am becoming expert at.

• I feel so much peace, love and wholesomeness. The strength I feel is fondly familiar. I feel very spiritual.

• I am hot.

• (I will continue to use glug instead of the f word). I used to think I didn’t really give many glugs about things that you shouldn’t really give a glug about but no. I gave way more glugs than I thought and it made me feel stressed and exhausted way more than I realised. Not now. My energy is too precious. I have the most intense feeling protecting it, and enjoying it - beautifully powerful in the most elegant, magical way. So no, I will not want to waste even a teeny bit of my lovely energy. I generally have no glugs to give. I don’t give a glug. I feel at peace and the World is overwhelmingly magical.

• I have put on weight, which I would rather I had not, but that is probably as emotional I will feel towards it. Apart from inconveniently not having many clothes that fit me, or feeling a bit bluh in the mirror, my feet are comfy and I am wearing clothes that make me feel comfy so I don’t really give a glug.

• Must do exercise. I am no longer ‘in recovery’ and but I am very comfortable chilling on my sofa binge watching tv.

• I am seeing so much beauty in people I had not seen it in before. This is lovely.

Don’t tread on the lines..

Today I went shopping with my family, and for the first time used my device whilst out all day.

Observations I would like to share;

-staff in shops are really friendly when you talk with them, many ending with ‘have a lovely day’ and it definitely sounded genuine. That was nice.

-staff are VERY appreciative if you offer them a Krispy Kreme Doughnut. I had 12 so had plenty. That made me happy.

-watching families in a restaurant, with children behaving like a young children, is a really lovely experience when your children are older but you remember similar times fondly.

Isn’t your brain clever.

You KNOW it was awful at times and often pushed you to drink and swear too much, but clever brain tells you this was a happy lovely, and even -dare I say ‘missed’ - time.

Tricky little trickster

-lots of shops have huge big fabulous fans just randomly put in the middle of the shop floor, this was very welcome. It was rather pleasant having a gush of fresh air blown on you whilst pottering around the aisles, albeit looking literally like it has just been plonked on the shop floor.

-I LOVE shopping bags. The paper, environmentally friendly ones, or even better the material ones - not plastic.

Every shop I bought something from, asked if I would like a bag, they then proceeded to show me a lovely ‘can not say no to this bag’ bag. I didn’t really need them, but they were all either ‘feel good’ bags, or ‘cool creative’ ones. I felt fabulous walking around displaying them all, basically showing off. I could have out them all inside one big bag, or just say no. But I did not.

This is not encouraging me to reuse shopping bags for shopping. I DO reuse them, but never remember to take them shopping, ever.

-I think everyone has become really friendly, chatty and smiley. This may be a side effect of the sunny weather, or possibly my medication. But I hope it is just that people are just becoming more lovely.

-So many shop floors tiles are perfect for an ‘on your own’ game of ‘do not stand on the lines’, but also ‘do not crash into anyone (or anything) else’ and ‘try and look normal’.

As an extra bonus, I feel like I can now tick off at least one day’s exercise.

Hello Crash Menopause

I am 42 and just had my Ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed. Things I have learned so far;

• I won’t be officially in menopause until 12 months of no periods - so June 2026.

• I need to take utrogestan and Progesterone

• Everyone I have spoken to so far prefers the Gel utrogestan (put on inner thighs in the morning)

• My Progesterone needs to be taken before bed on an empty stomach…goodbye late night snack bowls.

• It is very easy to forget new medication so reminders on Alexa AND my phone telling me to stop eating snacks 9pm and take medicine 11pm etc helps a bit and forcing us to eat dinner at a socially civilised time, or really quickly at 8.55pm

• For the purpose of my blog starting from now the F word will be replaced by the word Glug (dedicated to my awesome Gluggle Juggle who has given me hours of totally unfunny laughing during my ‘post op recovering on good pain meds’ days. I have moments of complete ‘I do not give a glug’. Serious, I give less of a glug than I have ever done before. It is such a beautiful peaceful feeling. Blissfully unphased and clearly eerily giving off ‘do not glugging come near me, do not talk to me, do not breathe me air, but yes I do want snacks’ vibes.

• I have started to firmly believe in telepathy - I meet random women and they just know. Suddenly everyone is super lovely and nice.

• Medical Cannabis has certainly made the experience so far quite pleasant.

• Oh and I am hot - really glugging hot - and it would be wise not to use the phase ‘I am too, it is hot’ around me or in my home or online

• Cooling blanket so far has been welcome, I think, I am undecided. I may just be in the ‘not giving a glug’ stage, it might be fabulous.

Oh final thing that is by far my favourite;

• I can have someone implant an embryo and still have a pregnancy and baby! Not my eggs though, they’ve been disected and probably turned to dust now - I did ask to keep them in a jar but this request was denied.

My Mum

Not yet. x

Being productive

I was very specific when discussing ‘my needs’ at my consultation with Curaleaf that I needed to be productive, calm, feel amazing, not be anxious or paranoid and NOT get the munchies.

So far on my new ‘productive happy meds’ I have built a website, three facebook pages (LoveNangie, Medicnation420 and DoNotAsk Frank), many reels (slowly getting better and less slapdash), learning how to use Photoshop (I have a book for every obsession so hoping this one will be used), and the ideas are just flooding. Luckily we have been ‘sorting’ which means I have found my many many notebooks where I have used just one page, so now have three project books to scribble random ideas in, and try and keep track of my gazillion ‘free trials’ which I must remember to cancel before I have to re-mortgage my home.

My blog currently is bitty, as in missing 8 years, I had my Facebook hacked last year and lost loads of stuff, so will be slowly filling them in and talking more about my diet - plant based and fish, including meal plans I have used and favourite recipes. Having a double mastectomy and my Gourmet fed chickens who are probably given a better breakfast than my children.

Thank you for all the lovely feedback so far and do send me a message if there is anything specific you want to know

xXx

Fire it up

The Mighty + needs to be cleaned (with a brush that comes with the device)

To use, untwist the top and pop one capsule into the holder, close the top and press the orange button on the side.

The number on the bottom is the heat you are aiming for and you can change this easily with the up and down arrows.

Mighty advise 180 degrees

The number on the top is the current temperature which, when on will heat up quickly and beep once it gets to the correct temperature.

With the current mouth piece (which does not get hot) it is easy to draw the vapourised dried flower. Rather than fill your lungs which feels easy todo but then will end in a coughing fit, aim to fill half (or less to start) before exhaling.

You get a faintly visible white steam/smoke whilst it is still working. When it has run out the air you exhale will be clear. You can have a couple of puffs then turn it off and back on at a later time.

New toys

Things I have bought, my personal reviews and an amazon link to read more reviews

There are only two devices currently that have been legally approved to inhale vapourised dried flower; Mighty + medic and Volcano both made by Storz and Bickel who I personally could not fault their quality. I have not tried or seen the Volcano but have heard lots of users be extremely complimentary

Mighty + medic - Storz and Bickel sell a Mighty and Mighty +. The Mighty is smaller and not approved for legal use.

Mighty + feels solid in your hand and comes with all the bits you need - a few dosing capsules, cleaning brush, replacement gauze, charging wire etc. Battery lasts the day - so far very good. LOVE it it would be better if it came with a stand or had a flat bottom sturdy enough to balance upright. 9/10

ONE CAPSULE - some people have told me they just shove the grinded dried flower in the holder but I think that would cause more mess later down the line and I like having a million teeny capsules of ground flower in pretty capsule holders.

I was prescribed to take 1g a day initially in 0.1g doses. So I bought some accurate scales and forty small dosage capsules and some capsule holders as I am really lazy and this meant I could do one batch for measuring, filling and storing to last several days, and they were pretty colours so win win.

Accurate scales - these made me feel like a drug dealer. But can now use them to make my own herbal tea mixes too. Use the lid for all the mess - I am messy and get the medicine everywhere, but this lid has lovely curved edges perfect for tipping all the ‘lovely mess’ into a pot. 9/10

Capsule holders came with loads of bits - 6PCS Aluminum Pill Box Portable Metal Waterproof Keychain Pill Box Keyring Pocket Small Pill Case Container Holder Bottle Snuff Box Money Minder Keyring with Spoon Carabiner for Outdoor Traveling - which made it feel like good value. Spoons are really small but sweet and you get a carabiner and spoon with each capsule holder “pill pot”. Sometimes a bit squeaky tightening them up but that might be my slapdash aligning with the lid. 9/10

Forty small dosage capsules I thought this was excessive when I first decided NOT to buy them then got annoyed with only having one capsule and now LOVE my collection of teeny pots of lovely medicine. And for a large quantity of pots, they appear to be pretty decent quality. 10/10

Getting a presciption

“Your Curaleaf package will be delivered today by your local DPD driver. Remember your driver will need your PIN XXXX”.

A delivery driver was bringing a bag of ‘flower’ to my house. In the daytime. To me.

I had just had an operation (removing my ovaries and fallopian tubes), so still had pain meds in my system, I found this highly amusing.

There are rules with Medical Cannabis.

Curaleaf prescribe you a strain that is suited to your needs.

You have an online meeting (consultation) with a specialist Doctor, if eligible, they send you a prescription to pay for, then they deliver it to your home.

The Process with Curaleaf

• Create an Account - this is done by linking via NHS (all legal) - by doing this it means they can have access to your medical records so can see what other medications you are on and what conditions you have which medical cannabis could help improve your quality of lfie.

• Complete a short set of questions and book an appointment - I paid £50 then decided it was better to do the £10 a month subscription (minimum of 3 months) so left a note demanding they did not charge me twice. They did not.

• I booked an appointment and was quite nervous. It felt really wrong and a little bit naughty. The consultation went really quickly and was fine, then Multi-Disciplinary Team (MDT) of doctors and pharmacists assessed whether medical cannabis was appropriate for me.

• A few days later they did, and I was sent a medical prescription.

• OH WOW. 20%THC cannabis. 20 grams. I thought this was rather a lot so ordered half costing £59.99 for 10g. Free delivery.

• It arrived a few days later with the DPD man, and it smelt and looked amazing.

• Now to play with my new toys