The yellow sticker

I have the BRCA 2 gene meaning I have a much higher chance of getting some cancers, including the silent killer Ovarian Cancer, that killed Nangie. I had a double Mastectomy in 2017 which has resulted in me having two party tricks.

1) If I place a torch on the side of my boob when it is dark they fully glow up bright pink/red

2) They don’t move. I can jump up and down, wear braless tops, possibly do a handstand. Still exactly where they were.

I knew I had to have some sort of surgery involving Ovaries etc lowering my cancer risk, early forties. So I did.

I was booked in early and honestly had the best time, yes they had given me exceptionally wonderful pain meds, but also I was given a team of just fabulous people. Every single nurse, carer, Dr was simply fantastic.

When getting prepared to go to theatre I had the usual checks, including ‘do you fall over a lot?’. “Nope, no I don’t”.

Shortly after I remember coming out of ‘recovery’ on a wheeled bed surrounded by several staff members and feeling just marvellous. I waved ‘like the Queen’ at every other patient minding their own business recovering peacefully in their room, occasionally informing them loudly with exasperated relief that I was in fact alive and that my Ovaries and Fallopian tubes had been removed.

We arrived at my room and they spun my bed around. I don’t remember this very clearly, but my husband does. A nurse said ‘we are going to go back into your room now’

“BEEP BEEP BEEP THIS BED IS REVERSING BEEP BEEP BEEP THIS BED IS REVERSING”. Yes, I was a robot bed.

I have had a few operations where you have to wear the stockings and have the blood thinning injections regularly, I did not like them. I need not have worried. ‘Would you like to try out these leg massagers? They reduce the risk of blood clots. So NO injections. YES PLEASE. They wrapped them round each leg separately and set them on massage mode - so so nice. They later came in to see if I ‘was bored of them’. Absolutely not. I felt like I had been taken to some exclusive spa where I was the only guest, and they fed you beautiful food and came in with syringes full of Oralmorph and every staff member was super smiley and happy.

I had a lovely time.

Oh, the yellow sticker. As I was leaving I noticed this yellow sticker on my door. I asked my husband why I had a yellow sticker. He told me that after I had said no to falling over he explained to the nurse that I had in fact fallen off my child’s scooter a few months previously and gauged half my knee flesh out, then subsequently fallen/tripped several times after that and made it re-bleed. The yellow sticker was warning them that I was a liability.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Menopause Tea and Posh Vagina Cream

Back at work, post op and on my new medications - HRT - girl gel (morning), boy tablet (before bed) -and medical cannabis.

I am very conscious that some people have NO IDEA what is happening to me, and sense that lots of others do. The same feeling you have after giving birth to your first baby - they know that I know.

I need people. My darling mother died in 2014 and I need to talk menopause, something I honestly am completely clueless about.

Why does no one ever talk about it? Either I am completely oblivious, which is highly likely, or it is one of those ‘taboo’ topics that my generation has not yet normalised.

Medical Cannabis is utterly brilliant, I am excited to work - my husband is my chauffer. I have energy, I feel happy, excited, so many new things.

Nature is louder and more beautiful than normal and I am immersed in positivity and peace, with a new mission;

Missions so far;

-bring back Flower Power

-spread positivity

-make people smile

-normalise Menopause

Decided to start a group for (peri) menopausal women and supportive men and asked lots of companies to support us, sending us information and free samples. Already had a super positive response, receiving menopause tea for the group and posh vagina cream.

I have found a spot at work at the end of a short space near my room that continously blasts out a tunnel of cold air.

Wore summer clothes knowing I was going to have blasting hot moments, then I was freezing because it was freezing. Lovely group members with more experience gave me a very important dressing tip. Wear layers. I am now becoming an expert super speed un’layer’er.

HRT going well. Bought a bulk load of different lubricants. Using ‘tingly’ even when I do not actually need it. It is great!

I am very happy. I know that previously stressful people are trying to invade my happy sparkle. Too late…I have lost all my fucks.

I am having a lovely time

Normalising Menopause

Questions I have;

How long have we just accepted the negative energy surrounding ‘periods’ and ‘menstruation’?

Is it normal to suddenly LOVE your body, and feel the need to protect it?

I currently am bankrupting my family by buying mainly organic foods, natural remedies and meat/fish from small organic farms. I am questioning (actually my body feels increasingly repulsed by the idea of a flu/covid vaccination or some of my longer used medication) - Is this normal?

I currently feel immense peace, happiness, strength, completely immersed with spirituality and positivity….is this menopause or medical cannabis, or both? I feel powerful and purposeful.

I feel like someone has cut a huge elastic band that I never knew was holding together my tummy area. Bleurgh. Just like that. Any advice?

I am having the most wonderfully beautiful dreams and inspirations. I am really happy.

Life with MS. No - my life is not terrible.

The last few weeks my MS has been getting quite bad. My daily routine is waking up feeling like I've had three hours sleep (similar to that of a new mother), my hands feel cold and not quite connected. I stand in the shower for probably longer than I should, we have a tight schedule, three little girls to be up, dressed and out of the house by 0715. My three little monkeys, full of beans and experts at distractions and prevention techniques.  This morning my eldest thought it was the perfect time to tell me the minute by minute detail of her birthday party that she hoped for next June. To be fair she had thought it all out, including the parts where she had kept the cost to a minimum to save money. Hope is a precious thing, so fragile yet so far undefeated.

Apparently it's called 'crash fatigue'. I can start feeling it only a few moments before, it feels a bit like jet lag, or being really drunk, trying to think and pronounce each word at a time. And suddenly it hits you, my limbs feel like cement, ugh, so heavy. Keeping my arms connected to my body pulls down on my shoulders and back, if I rest them on a table it feels like they might fall through the surface so I try and bear some of the weight. It's difficult. My eyes want to shut but that is antisocial and would make people worry or think that had a heavy night the night before so I use my last bit of energy to try and keep them open, but not in  a scary way. I am cold, really cold. I want someone to scoop me up, keep me warm and blow energy and Oxygen through my body. I feel like all the blood in my body has poured out leaving just cement.

Most people are wonderful and thoughtful and frequently overwhelm me with kindness and love. A few are not, they don't understand and make assumptions and judgements, which they cannot be blamed for. I cause them more work, I am not a fair 'team player', I do not contribute my share of work and quite possible do the opposite.  Twice this week my husband has had to drive me home from work at lunchtime, I've had to make the usual phone call to explain that I need to go home and that I am very sorry but I am unable to work. I walk past everyone else on the way to the car, they are moving tables, setting up displays, working together, getting ready for the open evening. I am walking to the car trying to look as normal as possible, must not fall over. I feel like I could possibly collapse at any point. Breath, breath, breath. I feel like I'm walking out of life, a life I can no longer be part of. My body won't let me. Must smile.

"You must have been someone really terrible in a past life, so many terrible things have happened to you".

No.

I have three totally amazing kids who astonish me with their strong personalities every day, so different yet all the same. They love life, they laugh, they love, they play, their imagination and creativity astounds me, and it never stops. Hugs, "cuggles" (my baby has just turned three and she is especially cuddly), they have a remarkable sixth sense, they know when I'm feeling even remotely down and jump on me and attack me with kisses, cuddles and tickles. They ooze with so much love and passion. They feed me their love. They keep me smiling.

My husband is my favouritist. He keeps me shining brightly, and lets me be me. He makes me laugh and feel so loved. I am so lucky. Surrounded by awesome friends who are bonkers/weird/beautiful/spirited/fun/kind/smart/genuine. And they love me.

So no, my life is not terrible, it is incredibly magical, full of wonder and love and warmth. We all have challenges and sometimes I find it really difficult like I'm getting beaten down with a stick and before I have even opened my eyes I get another whack, but all it takes is one morning kiss, one cuggle, hearing one laugh or seeing one smile, and I get back up again.